What’s Wrong with Me

There has been something on my mind for a while now and I think I wanna settle it once and for all. It is driving me crazy. The feeling of me being torn apart is lingering even after my period was gone. I have so many things to attend to and I can’t do that all at once. I know everyone has been through this or is going through this, I just wonder how people can pull it off.

Lately I’ve heard Rory Vaden saying something that goes like this, there’s no such thing as time management these days, there’s only emotional management. You are not managing your time, you are managing your emotions to be okay with what you do with your time. He illustrated this with a story of a dad wanting to go somewhere but didn’t because his daughter begged him not to, so he chose to stay and spend time with his daughter instead of going somewhere he wanted. Well, this is what we do. We are asked to do something, we weigh whether it is practical for us to do so, (but some of us don’t really do that so it’s considered as self-inflicted pain) and there are at times, we know we can’t but we do it anyway for all kinds of reasons.

Rory Vaden also said that when we say yes to one thing, we are simultaneously saying no to many other things. It breaks my heart every time I say this. I wish that things are always in our hands but the cold hard fact is that it’s not. There are so many things that we can’t control. True, no one is holding a knife on your throat to make you do something but at times, you understand or you would that you will have to abide. It’s sad but it’s true. This is how the adult world is, you can no longer be stubborn in insisting how the mountain looks from your own viewpoint only without considering others. You have to move from egocentrism. I have not digressed, this egocentrism has so much to do with the emotional management I talked about earlier. If you let it drive you, you are going to be selfish and unwilling to do things for others.

However, to have a willing heart to serve people, like what many great scholars,political figures and leaders including Jesus advocated, is complicated. I was once being drawn to the fact that many miracles Jesus performed that are stated in the bible happened when He was interrupted. Being hospitable means that you allow others to interrupt you the time which you could have done something nice for yourself for example, read a novel you are intrigued about, watch a sitcom which makes you laugh, savor a cup of coffee which boosts your energy or listen to music which soothes your mind, etc. so many things that you could possibly do if that one person did not knock on the door, or whatsapp you. Living for others, altruism is too much for me you might think, but once in a while, i’d like to do a little charity to make myself feel better. This is all iTalk. It’s all about me me me. Again, egocentrism. But but but, I’m not saying that you should be interrupted and help others every single time. There are also people who take advantage of your “willing heart” and bully you to the max by delegating you with copious tasks. You see how complicated it goes already? You understand why it troubles me so much? I mean, it’s contradicting, we should serve other people but we should detect if we are being used, if so we should reject. You’d think that it’s easy to detect. No, the reality is you don’t know that person is using you, ever. Because, that person is smart enough to come up with oh so many things on his or her to do list that he or she will make you feel bad for not helping him or her out. You are so lucky if you don’t know what I mean.

What exactly is the problem? If I really wanna be honest with myself, I’d say that most of the time I say yes to people is because I don’t wanna offend people. People are so sensitive. I’m saying this as if I’m not one of them, the truth is I am and I try not to be too sensitive. I know that we can’t please everybody. But at times, people who seek our help really need our help. Help is one thing, you can think it as a way of doing good deed but don’t force yourself, unless it is in your power to do so, you think you can then only then should you give your word. What about another type of interruption? The one that involves you doing things you don’t enjoy with people you don’t really have an emotional level of connection with, talking about things that you’d hate yourself for later. It’s what we call, socializing. Socializing seems to be a must. You have heard a thousand times that you are in a community, how a man is not living by an island alone, that people need people, etc. If you’re born to be sociable, good for you, but for people like me, we don’t, and that is my problem with all the interruptions. Too many distractions. Too many people’s feelings I need to attend to. I like to think that even Jesus needed his own time. He’d always choose a secluded place and talk to God, get His mind straight. I believe that’s exactly what I need. Gotta sign off now, need some isolation. See ya next Tuesday!

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