Let Go…

People who know me know that my favorite place to lepak is the bookstore. At the bookstore, I’ll take a lot of time scanning the titles and perusing the content (usually summarized at the back of the books). I don’t patronize the library and borrow books. I find it a hassle and hate the fact that I can’t scribble in it. But I know I can’t own all the books I want to read in the world. A tight budget is one thing, but the real problem is not having space to store them. I am a recovering mild hoarder. Yet when it comes to books, I shamefully admit that I haven’t thrown, sold, donated or simply given away a single book before. Whenever I wait at the gate of the airport, I’d be wondering what’s gonna happen to all my books if I decided to migrate someday. The shipping cost is too eye-watering for something I most probably would never ever enjoy again. The most I’d do is flip through the pages and skim through the paragraphs I’ve left a note or two at the margin or the lines I’ve highlighted. But to enjoy it from page one to the last and receive the wisdom from the beautifully phrased words joining one another again is not gonna happen. They said when you read a book at different points of your life, you’ll learn different things. But I always believe the next book is more interesting.

Around this season last year was the third time I’ve moved to a new place. Moving has done a hell of a job in treating my hoarding but it hasn’t stopped me from purchasing more books until the recent death of my uncle. I wouldn’t wanna say that my uncle was a hoarder, he was perhaps, just a collector. He collected a lot of photos, photos of him traveling with his friends and family. From the 70s all the way to the day he left; thanks to the invention of digital ram and thank goodness, he was a man who won’t quit learning with the world. He was very adept at using the digital devices (better than my dad apparently). When he left, he could have probably asked his family to bury those photos with him (or not), but he could never have taken a single photo with him wherever his spirit roams any more than I could see myself paying a lump sum for the courier. It wasn’t my first time of having such epiphany about the meaninglessness of the things we hold on tight to in life. But this time it hit me with my books, as if in these few years, the things I’ve let go off in life aren’t enough, I need to also let go of that one thing, which allows my mind to escape from the reality, to truly achieve self-actualization. I can’t. Not yet anyway. Although reading hasn’t made me the best person in the world, it hasn’t made me write any better either (as I always wish to), in fact, it has turned me more introverted than I’d ever like myself to be, reading has indeed shaken my life and I know that it will continue to be one of the most critical ingredients in enhancing my character development.

Nevertheless, I should probably be more critical at the bookstore. I’ll probably take more time than I usually do to carefully pick out the most worthy and the most must-have book so that I can convince myself that even someday if I do consider to sell it or donate it away, I’d have a good reason to persuade the other person to take it. Or, I’ll try doing my own research by taking the advantage of Google or asking around before I head down to the bookstore or click add to cart. In the meantime, I can also really think hard about which genre or author I wanna eliminate from my bookshelf. Though rest assured, this is gonna take a long while.

Capture

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Items in My Car

I drive a lot, so I like to keep these things in my car, thinking they might come in handy someday and they almost always do. 

1. Heels

2. Sports Shoes 

3. Slippers

4. Thumb drive 

5. Neck Pillow

6. First Aid Kit

7. Magazines

8. Beach Hat

9. Sweater

10. Notepad and pen

My Posting

In the morning, the message alerts from Whatapps dragged me to my feet before the actual time I should be waking. The results of the posting came today. My friends busily texted each other in the chat box about it. Some of my friends asked if I have yet to check it. I immediately switched on the laptop, legs still snuggled inside the quilt, had no idea what to pray for while carefully typing in my details to log in. It’s official. I will have a day job in less than 3 weeks and bid adios to unemployment until retirement comes knocking at the door. I am posted to Kuala Lumpur. The vibrant city just 20 minutes from my apartment. Though it came out as I expected, I did not feel anything. Of course, I was not surprised. But I was indeed surprised at how calm I was. Perhaps it was the morning drowsiness that kept the emotions hidden until later the day but it’s 5 in the afternoon and I am still not feeling anything about it. I guess I have anticipated for so long and have played all the possible scenarios in my head. Anyway, I am glad and grateful for the outcome. I will just do my best at this job and leave the rest to the universe.

kualalumpur030405eote

 

Shhhh…hush hush

Dear Whiner

We talk about our problems a lot. In fact, it’s all we ever talk about. We don’t go about telling our friends how good our life is, coz it’ll sound so much like you’re rubbing it in their face. When they say “good for you”, it really means “whatever, I don’t care.” People don’t wanna know how you can get it altogether unless you’re willing to share with them what works without having them ask you like some sort of pathetic losers. But most of the time, I bet you and your friends will have different priorities and that whatever works for you won’t work so well with them. And sometimes, when you overshare the tips, it sounds like you’re trying to tell them how to live which will almost always get a boomerang. People feel most connected when you have dealt with or are dealing the same shit as them, that you are in their shoes, that you understand exactly what is going on, exactly how messy whatever it is. And that’s perhaps the best time to learn some advice from one another, you know instead of hosting and joining the pity party, you two just encourage each other and build each other up again (because trust is there).

My friends come to me for all kinds of advice. They know that I enjoy analyzing situations, comparing the pros and cons, deciding the urgency and importance, and the like. But these days, I find myself more on the listening end, letting the other person come to the conclusion which they had it in them. I even practiced stopping to “help” my friends to phrase their problems properly because I learned to really listen to the special way or version they used to tell their story. And lately, it seems like most of my friends frame their world in the most negative way possible. They use words like dying, messed up, crazy, losing, jealous, angry, and cursed. 

I am definitely not an honest person. I love this saying that goes something like this: Everything you need to say can be said with kindness. When my friends bitch about their problems, if I have nothing nice to say, I’d mostly keep my mouth shut because silence is gold. Besides, girls just wanna have someone there to listen and guys, guys ask specific questions that put you right where you can say anything but won’t hurt anybody. At least my male friends are like that.

Sometimes I just wanna say to those people who complain about the same old problems including me.

I know your job/relationship is no picnic. But you chose to stay. Yes, you made the choice to stay. No one forced you. Don’t tell me that I don’t understand your difficult complicated situation. I don’t but I don’t have to understand to know that every person has the power of choice. In March, I posted this on Facebook: Paulo Coelho once wrote, “the greatest gift God gave us is the power to make decisions.” I can’t help but wonder if that holds true for those living in some nations like the North Korea and Afghanistan. Now, I think even those who live at the mercy of some Taliban hold the power of making a choice, that is the choice of accepting or making a change.

Making a change is risky. It’s going to jeopardize a lot of things or persons you hold dear of. So if you were not going to take that risk (consciously), then please shut up and accept whatever shitty situation you got there. Life isn’t fair, it’s not the latest news. But you don’t get to complain about a problem you don’t want to solve. The weather is hot, can you solve it? Yes. Making yourself cool by standing under the fan or drinking iced tea. Simple analogy. Don’t complain about the problem that you are not willing to solve. The traffic is slow. By all means, complain. Can you solve it? Maybe. Drive with alert, don’t get into an accident. Can you prevent it? Maybe. Don’t drive at the wrong hour. A problem worth complaining is a problem worth solving. The time you spend complaining is the time you live in denial that you aren’t some sort of coward who’s too afraid of making changes.

But there’s no way I’ll tell you that, at least I’m not going to say it so harshly. It’ll hurt the friendship for sure. I’m not trying to be fake or pretentious, I just don’t want you to hear it from me. I mean, if you wanna talk some sense into me, I’d rather hear it from my mom or my favorite author. What I wrote isn’t some profound wisdom. If you haven’t known them, you’ll get there someday, on your own pace, no hurry, I’m here for you, there there.

Cheers

Bella